peripherally

I’ve made a painful decision, because I have had to face some things about myself.  

I have apparently made an alignment mistake.

I won’t beat myself up over it.  Certainly not the first, likely won’t be the last.  It was an honest mistake, one not intentioned; I honestly thought I was responding to the gentle pushes and pulls of Holy Spirit.  Its likely that I actually was responding to Him in that way.. it just may not be meant to endure, at least not at this point, perhaps.

This pains me, as I feel sort of like a complete failure.  I have experienced this before.  A tremendous release in my spirit when I decided to let something go.  It had been a source of immense pressure and such.  I make the choice to just stop, to cease and desist, and I was immediately relieved.

Same thing here.

You know how you know when something is over before it actually is over?  

Same thing here.

Wow, and, from the first, from the beginnings, from the intake process, to the first interactions, I knew.  I just doubted.  I doubted myself, really.  I thought that it was just my own insecurities, or even my allowing the enemy to intimidate me through other people.  

Even recounting it this far makes me tear up a little.  It hurts, kind of near the core.  

I may as well be as transparent as I can, translucent, at the least, with you all.

I go through self-worth struggles from time to time; a result of a very difficult past which, though waning, still lingers.  Deliverance is a wonderful gift from the Lord our God.  Nonetheless, bad memories and self-destructive habits still need to be dealt with, and replaced with the Love of God.  Its a process, as I am learning.  He is most assuredly helping me in these areas.  I have the Very Best Therapist In The Universe.

But, yeah, I am grateful for the times I experience these things (not for the experiences/incidents themselves, I know they are not God’s doing, but He allows them so I work my faith-muscles).  

I am also quickened just now in remembrance of that scripture that says that whatever makes manifest is Light (Ephesians 5:13).  I know that I am a carrier of His Light and His Presence.  I also know that He has needed me to establish His Kingdom, His Presence, in certain areas of darkness and remain there for a season so He could bring some things down.  I could name a number of areas, like in the corporate setting, where He has done this, going back 10-15 years or more.

Perhaps that’s an anointing, perhaps that a calling, perhaps a gifting, or perhaps I am just obeying His leadings, His Voice.  I dunno, and not all that concerned at this point, I mean, He’s my Daddy, He keeps it all in Heart.

If I truly believe that I was sincerely and accurately following the Voice of my Beloved, then I gotta believe that He led me there to bring another level, or facet, of His Light into a darkened/hazed-over area of a particular ministry.  I could be completely wrong, and self-serving about this, though, so, I will let Holy Spirit correct me in everything.  

If that is the case, though, then perhaps it was extremely good that this has happened.  If it is true, then that is exceptionally good news for this group: The Lord is pleased with them, and is exposing all areas of imperfection, hidden dark areas, in preparation for the Glory!  In either case, I am led to believe that the Lord is calling me into prayer and intercession for this ministry, this family, these affiliates and the plans and purposes of God.

Though I stand in tears outside the gate, it is quite the esteem given to me by the Most High to have assisted Him in breaking up that hardened ground.  Lord, help me remain ever-humble, ever pliable to Your Spirit, ever-prayerful, ever-interceding on their behalf.  Holy Alliances and Alignments, whether recognized of man or not, are put into place by Your Doings.  I receive, Lord.  I submit unto You, Lord Jesus.

God said to me last night two things:  “Straightening Alignments” and “Strengthening Alliances”.  Somehow, I knew it was about this (and other things), even before I came to the decision.

Yes, Lord.  Even so, come quickly, Lord.   Amen.  periphery 

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